To actively avoid this pain would be to deny ourselves the ability to counteract it in the future. After all, any person raised in complete sterile solitude would, upon exposure, likely be killed by a common flu. We can’t afford our love lives to go the same way.
So protect yourself. Date an asshole first. Hell, date a few. Date them all. Learn what it feels like to be treated badly and, in turn, how you deserve to be treated in the future. Make all the mistakes there are to make. Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed or guilty about it. It’s normal, it’s healthy — it’s a right of passage.
Let the painful experiences grow and accumulate. Let them build a new resilience.
Date an asshole now, so you don’t end up with one later.
I recently read through hundreds of posts on one of my favorite blogs. I found countless pieces on how to help, how to love, how to be happy. I couldn’t find one piece written for people who’ve spent years trying to be happy for someone else. At an early age my parents taught me that misery loves company. As an adult I learned that misery can also look really, really good naked.
It’s no wonder we aren’t always able to say, “I know what that feels like!” I’m not a customer service rep trying to help you increase your data plan. I can’t relate to your unhappiness and you shouldn’t want me to. I can tell you about what life feels like without your troubles. I can promise to want the same for you. But an unhappy person will teach you that there is no loyalty in return for “I love you and I want the best for you.” I spent years asking myself why the most beautiful boy I knew was the hardest to please. I spent so much time trying to understand what he could’ve possibly had to be so unhappy about that I nearly missed the point: He was inadvertently teaching me about life.
I’ve loved everything down to the misery in someone. Doing so taught me a series of life lessons. The first was that it isn’t my job to be happy for someone else. I realized that acknowledgement isn’t enough. People can acknowledge their issues and still refuse to set themselves apart. The second lesson was that “we all have issues” is an extremely poor excuse. Not all of us want to be remembered for them. I have this theory that half of the population wants to be remembered for helping. They’re the half made up of people constantly fighting for someone else’s happiness. Even if they weren’t molded by a series of traumatic events, they’re the ones who just want to help. The third lesson I learned was that the saddest truth is never what happened to your girlfriend when she was 12, or how traumatic his last relationship was. The sad part is that sometimes the people we love will prefer dysfunction to our company. The final, most useful lesson I learned from loving an unhappy person was that dysfunction is a painful comfort even the most beautiful people struggle to break away from.
The truth about loving an unhappy person is that you will learn how to walk away. The truth about unhappy people in general is that they’re constantly waiting to be left. They’ll force you to remember what it feels like to be whole and while doing so teach you how to walk away from the things that make you feel like half. You aren’t damaged enough for her. You aren’t sad enough for him. Loving an unhappy person will teach you to measure things in presence instead of absence. It taught me that what we ask for from the world is exactly what we get back. I learned that my ability to attract happiness is most powerful when I recognize it. I learned to stop romanticizing sadness. I learned that if I want more fulfilling relationships, I have to first be full. Full of love. Full of respect. Full of loyalty.
An unhappy person will teach you that you cannot attract what you do not have. But while doing so, an unhappy person will show you just how unhappy you are too.
Aw thank youuuu☺️💘💘💘
I love love so much.. I even love when it hurts.
You don’t have to get over anyone! Keep loving from a distance that makes you feel happiest. I hate to say “it’ll pass” because love doesn’t pass. The feeling of loss is what passes. You’ll realize what you gained from her.. and that feeling will trump this one. Just watch.
thank you so much :) thank you for reading! thank you even more for sharing. I get this question so much and I think it’s so ironic! Kind words go such a long way. This inspires me. You taking the time to stop and say something positive about someone you don’t even know! That’s inspiring. I could say books, music, good friends, family… But those are the things I love most. What inspires me to write? The people I don’t know/haven’t met yet. I’m inspired by the ideas I have for myself.. and where they might take me.